So I'm starting this new blog...I havent written in what seems like forever but I'm desperately needing to get some things off my chest and out of my mind and I always found blogging the easiest way to do that when there is no one else to talk to. Well other than my 3 year old but honestly she doesnt need to hear any of the thoughts that are about to come out of my mind...
I'm at such a fragile emotional state at this very moment that I fear the tears that will begin to pour as I write this entry. There's so much I want to say I hardly know where to begin. I think I'll start with the bad and end with the good and hopefully that will make me feel better by the time I'm done...
I knew the chances I was taking when I brought Mia's dad back into her life. I had thought it all through and had made the decision based on what I felt was best for Mia. At first things were great, more than I could have hoped for. Slowly he seemed to become more distant from her and eventually stopped calling just to talk to her, then it turned into seeing her irregularly and not on the schedule we had worked out, now it's resorted to her not being able to stay the night anymore and her feeling like the 5th wheel of their family. I'm crushed, I really wanted to believe in him and that he wanted to be a part of her life. I did believe in him. At this point I've lost all hope that they will ever have a strong bond or a good relationship. She has became more of an inconvenience to him it appears and my heart is broken because I know all she wants is his attention. It kills me that she doesnt feel as important as his other two kids and that she is rarely included in family functions. It kills me that he's too busy to make it to a school function or the first game she cheer leaded at. The fact that he doesnt even call just to tell her hi and that he loves and misses her shoots hate through my veins. She is the most amazing little girl and I just dont understand how he cannot love her and want to be there for every big or small event that happens in her life. He's already missed out on THREE YEARS of her life, I just cant bring myself to understand how he could miss out on even one more minute. I cant even go into this subject more right now...I'm already a raccoon faced mess...I know I brought all of this upon myself...I often now find myself asking why I even asked for something that he willingly gave up...
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