There is a me, she is as happy as can be,
A smile on her face is all anyone can see
Her laughter rings loud, true and with glee
There is nothing that can stop this girl from feeling free.
There is a me, she is as elated as can be
She hugs her friends tightly, wipes their tears away,
She is their comfort, they are her everything,
She embraces her family, keeps them from going astray,
Their closeness she cannot deny, try as she may.
There is a me, she is as blissful as can be,
She floats higher than the vast blue sky,
No one can bring her down; no words can take her to the ground,
She walks life tall, and looks the world straight in the eye,
She knows she is only lost to be found, and not everything spoken is a lie.
There is a me, she is as sad as can be,
The tears spilling down her face are all anyone can see,
Her muffled sobs are a cry aching for help; she tries to hold back,
But nothing can stop this girl from feeling what she lacks.
There is a me, she is as cheerless as can be,
She hides alone in her room and is closed off to touch,
Her insides are in turmoil, and she thinks way too much,
Her heart weighs heavily, but her mind refuses to set her free.
There is a me, she is as melancholy as can be,
For her there is no future, no light to guide her way,
Her thoughts remain to herself; she has nothing to say,
Her only hope to get away is to let herself pray.
There is a me, she tries to find a balance between darkness and light,
Her feelings she writes, her dreams she no longer denies,
She accounts for her past, and her future is on the rise,
She attempts to distinguish the truth amidst the lies,
And the right from the wrong,
There is nothing that can stop this woman from singing her song.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Our New Home!
Thought I'd show off a few pictures of our new home...we absolutely LOVE it! We are not in town any more and we have some much needed peace and quiet out here, not to mention a yard!
The Living Room
The Kitchen
The Dining Room
That's all for now...I will share more later, I still need to take some of my bedroom and Mia's room...I'll spare you the spare room haha
That's all for now...I will share more later, I still need to take some of my bedroom and Mia's room...I'll spare you the spare room haha
Thursday, September 25, 2008
5 New Commandments For Me...
1. Love thyself. This one comes first. Because single moms, if you don't love yourself you won't ever feel truly content and in turn, won't be able to give 100% of yourself to your kids or significant other.
2. Thou shalt not settle. You are a single mother and yes you have your hands full with responsibilities most single and childless men can't even fathom, but this does not mean you have to settle for anything less in a relationship. You are still an incredibly desirable woman. Yes, there will be obstacles and yes some men will shy away from beginning a relationship with you. But those who do dive in will be the best of the best, the cream of the crop - the men who really, truly love you.
3. Thou shalt not punish thyself. Depending on where you live, you may feel like you have a Scarlet letter seared across your forehead. A woman with a child and a bare left finger. You may be the object of disapproving stares or shaking heads.
4. Thou shalt not live in the past. Time does heal all wounds but only if you leave the past behind you. If you live in the past you will never be able to truly appreciate the future. This means you have to let it all go. Your ex-husband. The memories of what was or what could have been. Bury them. Let the good memories live on for your children but let the could haves, should haves and would haves fall by the wayside. With that said, it's also best not to obsess about the future. Just as day dreaming about men in the past can harm you, day dreaming about a knight in shining armor to rescue you can also be just as damaging. Learn to be content with who you are - in the now. Day by day. Moment by moment.
5. Thou shalt ask for help. This is, perhaps, my greatest challenge. Single mothers, by the very nature of our existence, are fortified in this uncanny strength. That strength gets us through the toughest days, the days when we don't know how we can go on. But it can also keep us from accepting help.
2. Thou shalt not settle. You are a single mother and yes you have your hands full with responsibilities most single and childless men can't even fathom, but this does not mean you have to settle for anything less in a relationship. You are still an incredibly desirable woman. Yes, there will be obstacles and yes some men will shy away from beginning a relationship with you. But those who do dive in will be the best of the best, the cream of the crop - the men who really, truly love you.
3. Thou shalt not punish thyself. Depending on where you live, you may feel like you have a Scarlet letter seared across your forehead. A woman with a child and a bare left finger. You may be the object of disapproving stares or shaking heads.
4. Thou shalt not live in the past. Time does heal all wounds but only if you leave the past behind you. If you live in the past you will never be able to truly appreciate the future. This means you have to let it all go. Your ex-husband. The memories of what was or what could have been. Bury them. Let the good memories live on for your children but let the could haves, should haves and would haves fall by the wayside. With that said, it's also best not to obsess about the future. Just as day dreaming about men in the past can harm you, day dreaming about a knight in shining armor to rescue you can also be just as damaging. Learn to be content with who you are - in the now. Day by day. Moment by moment.
5. Thou shalt ask for help. This is, perhaps, my greatest challenge. Single mothers, by the very nature of our existence, are fortified in this uncanny strength. That strength gets us through the toughest days, the days when we don't know how we can go on. But it can also keep us from accepting help.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Because we all need a few laughs...
And my blog definitely does...all these shitty posts call for an adorable and hilarious one...here's my beautiful daughter at her cheer leading practice...TOO CUTE!!!
Jackson Deets Memorial Fund Raiser
I'm passing this flyer around for my best friend and her family.
This is going to be an AWESOME event and I hope you can either come check out all the amazing goodies or donate some goodies yourself!!! To read more on the cause check out their family blog DEETS FAMILY BLOG Thank you all so much for your support!!!
This is going to be an AWESOME event and I hope you can either come check out all the amazing goodies or donate some goodies yourself!!! To read more on the cause check out their family blog DEETS FAMILY BLOG Thank you all so much for your support!!!
Feeling a little better...
Well I couldn't even finish that last blog...every time I think about all Mia has gone through it makes me sick to my stomach to the point where I often actually vomit. So I have to try and stop myself before I get too worked up, sorry for the abrupt departure.
Well we still had not heard from her dad till this afternoon (today was his day to have her) but apparently their whole family is sick...and I'd rather her not get sick before our big trip. I was pretty annoyed when he text me to tell me this afternoon...considering it was only hours before he was supposed to pick her up. I'm glad I didn't tell her he was coming though, I cant stand the sight of disappointment in her eyes every time he says something and doesn't follow through and I'm left to explain why. I wish he understood how upset she gets every time he lets her down. Anyhow...he hasn't seen her in a week and he wont see her for the next few weeks since we leave for our big trip next week and as soon as we get back it will be her birthday and her party, which I didnt send them an invite to...still contemplating that whole issue.
Mia is L*O*V*I*N*G school and I'm so proud of her! She's doing awesome her teachers say and she's so excited to go every day. That certainly makes it much easier for me to deal with knowing she's having a good time and learning bunches! She adjusts so easily to every situation that comes our way...I mean if I seriously sit back and think about it she's adapted so well to the hundreds of changes she and I have gone through in the last 4 years, I just pray that they wont affect her later on in life.
So R's mom called and left an ever so polite message today...ughh. Makes me sick every time I hear or think of them, which luckily isn't often at all. She's claiming she has a lawyer and if I don't have Mia contact her within 24 hours that she will call the sheriff and file a report for them to call CSD. Wonderful. Well I don't take her threats to strongly...she's a crazy bitch to start with and little to her dumb ass knowledge...there are no grandparent rights in this state...sooo...she can kiss my tan ass! Mia hasn't seen her in 3 years and has no clue who she is anymore, hell she's only seen her 3-4 times in her entire life and that was all before she was one! Next month is the 1 year anniversary that R moved away and walked out on Mia. We haven't even heard from him since May (or his mom until today). He's made no attempt to contact her or see her. Mia has no memory of him and I know if he was to come around she would be devastated, she has her daddy back in her life now and known no other. I wish I had never let him adopt her. I cant believe I ever put that much faith and trust in one man...he certainly didn't deserve it and I knew that long before I let him. I *almost* called him tonight. I just wanted to ask him what he's doing, why is his mother calling and trying to talk to Mia, how could he confuse her like that and put her through this. I wish he would just give up his rights, I know if I asked he would never do it though, he's just a jerk like that. He hasn't paid child support in almost a year, has had no contact with Mia since Dec of 2007, and hasn't shown any interest (other than a couple late night drunken calls crying about wanting to talk to his baby girl-yea no problem buddy let me get her pshht!) in anything to do with her. Ughh just makes me furious, mostly with myself I guess.
Anyhow that's all for tonight...I've got so much to do over the next few days getting ready for this trip and making plans for Mia's birthday gift...I cant wait to see her face!!! I'll try to update again soon...
Well we still had not heard from her dad till this afternoon (today was his day to have her) but apparently their whole family is sick...and I'd rather her not get sick before our big trip. I was pretty annoyed when he text me to tell me this afternoon...considering it was only hours before he was supposed to pick her up. I'm glad I didn't tell her he was coming though, I cant stand the sight of disappointment in her eyes every time he says something and doesn't follow through and I'm left to explain why. I wish he understood how upset she gets every time he lets her down. Anyhow...he hasn't seen her in a week and he wont see her for the next few weeks since we leave for our big trip next week and as soon as we get back it will be her birthday and her party, which I didnt send them an invite to...still contemplating that whole issue.
Mia is L*O*V*I*N*G school and I'm so proud of her! She's doing awesome her teachers say and she's so excited to go every day. That certainly makes it much easier for me to deal with knowing she's having a good time and learning bunches! She adjusts so easily to every situation that comes our way...I mean if I seriously sit back and think about it she's adapted so well to the hundreds of changes she and I have gone through in the last 4 years, I just pray that they wont affect her later on in life.
So R's mom called and left an ever so polite message today...ughh. Makes me sick every time I hear or think of them, which luckily isn't often at all. She's claiming she has a lawyer and if I don't have Mia contact her within 24 hours that she will call the sheriff and file a report for them to call CSD. Wonderful. Well I don't take her threats to strongly...she's a crazy bitch to start with and little to her dumb ass knowledge...there are no grandparent rights in this state...sooo...she can kiss my tan ass! Mia hasn't seen her in 3 years and has no clue who she is anymore, hell she's only seen her 3-4 times in her entire life and that was all before she was one! Next month is the 1 year anniversary that R moved away and walked out on Mia. We haven't even heard from him since May (or his mom until today). He's made no attempt to contact her or see her. Mia has no memory of him and I know if he was to come around she would be devastated, she has her daddy back in her life now and known no other. I wish I had never let him adopt her. I cant believe I ever put that much faith and trust in one man...he certainly didn't deserve it and I knew that long before I let him. I *almost* called him tonight. I just wanted to ask him what he's doing, why is his mother calling and trying to talk to Mia, how could he confuse her like that and put her through this. I wish he would just give up his rights, I know if I asked he would never do it though, he's just a jerk like that. He hasn't paid child support in almost a year, has had no contact with Mia since Dec of 2007, and hasn't shown any interest (other than a couple late night drunken calls crying about wanting to talk to his baby girl-yea no problem buddy let me get her pshht!) in anything to do with her. Ughh just makes me furious, mostly with myself I guess.
Anyhow that's all for tonight...I've got so much to do over the next few days getting ready for this trip and making plans for Mia's birthday gift...I cant wait to see her face!!! I'll try to update again soon...
Friday, September 19, 2008
This could take a while...
So I'm starting this new blog...I havent written in what seems like forever but I'm desperately needing to get some things off my chest and out of my mind and I always found blogging the easiest way to do that when there is no one else to talk to. Well other than my 3 year old but honestly she doesnt need to hear any of the thoughts that are about to come out of my mind...
I'm at such a fragile emotional state at this very moment that I fear the tears that will begin to pour as I write this entry. There's so much I want to say I hardly know where to begin. I think I'll start with the bad and end with the good and hopefully that will make me feel better by the time I'm done...
I knew the chances I was taking when I brought Mia's dad back into her life. I had thought it all through and had made the decision based on what I felt was best for Mia. At first things were great, more than I could have hoped for. Slowly he seemed to become more distant from her and eventually stopped calling just to talk to her, then it turned into seeing her irregularly and not on the schedule we had worked out, now it's resorted to her not being able to stay the night anymore and her feeling like the 5th wheel of their family. I'm crushed, I really wanted to believe in him and that he wanted to be a part of her life. I did believe in him. At this point I've lost all hope that they will ever have a strong bond or a good relationship. She has became more of an inconvenience to him it appears and my heart is broken because I know all she wants is his attention. It kills me that she doesnt feel as important as his other two kids and that she is rarely included in family functions. It kills me that he's too busy to make it to a school function or the first game she cheer leaded at. The fact that he doesnt even call just to tell her hi and that he loves and misses her shoots hate through my veins. She is the most amazing little girl and I just dont understand how he cannot love her and want to be there for every big or small event that happens in her life. He's already missed out on THREE YEARS of her life, I just cant bring myself to understand how he could miss out on even one more minute. I cant even go into this subject more right now...I'm already a raccoon faced mess...I know I brought all of this upon myself...I often now find myself asking why I even asked for something that he willingly gave up...
I'm at such a fragile emotional state at this very moment that I fear the tears that will begin to pour as I write this entry. There's so much I want to say I hardly know where to begin. I think I'll start with the bad and end with the good and hopefully that will make me feel better by the time I'm done...
I knew the chances I was taking when I brought Mia's dad back into her life. I had thought it all through and had made the decision based on what I felt was best for Mia. At first things were great, more than I could have hoped for. Slowly he seemed to become more distant from her and eventually stopped calling just to talk to her, then it turned into seeing her irregularly and not on the schedule we had worked out, now it's resorted to her not being able to stay the night anymore and her feeling like the 5th wheel of their family. I'm crushed, I really wanted to believe in him and that he wanted to be a part of her life. I did believe in him. At this point I've lost all hope that they will ever have a strong bond or a good relationship. She has became more of an inconvenience to him it appears and my heart is broken because I know all she wants is his attention. It kills me that she doesnt feel as important as his other two kids and that she is rarely included in family functions. It kills me that he's too busy to make it to a school function or the first game she cheer leaded at. The fact that he doesnt even call just to tell her hi and that he loves and misses her shoots hate through my veins. She is the most amazing little girl and I just dont understand how he cannot love her and want to be there for every big or small event that happens in her life. He's already missed out on THREE YEARS of her life, I just cant bring myself to understand how he could miss out on even one more minute. I cant even go into this subject more right now...I'm already a raccoon faced mess...I know I brought all of this upon myself...I often now find myself asking why I even asked for something that he willingly gave up...
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